The Cain Mutiny

I miss Herman Cain. Don't get me wrong. If even one of the sexual harassment allegations is true, it's deplorable and I wish he could still be prosecuted. Adultery certainly shouldn't be a requirement for the Presidency, either. However, for sheer entertainment purposes, I miss the guy. In fact, I think there's a good chance of things being so dull that I may skip the 278th Republican debate which I think is next week.

One of the most interesting aspects of Cain's decision is that political experts feel that his support will go to Newt Gingrich. The irony here is that Gingrich has been married three times and is known to be an adulterer. I guess our political parties always have to have someone running for the Presidential nomination who has – allegedly – been engaged in these activities.

We are used to political wives standing in the background as their husbands either deny or admit sexual transgressions. Mrs. Cain took this wifely devotion to a new level. While Cain announced the "suspension" of his campaign, she didn't just stand there. She acted like a cheerleader for her hubby. She nodded, she smiled, and she applauded. Maybe Cain has bewitched, bothered, and bamboozled her. It shouldn't surprise us. Henry Kissinger once said, "Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac." And let's face it. What could be a more powerful and sexy position in the world than President of the National Restaurant Association?

Some people have a major problem with Cain's "poor memory." The way he responded to the first allegations was to say that it was unfair to expect him to remember everything from 18 years ago. If you or I had been charged with sexual harassment, we would remember that fact whether it was 18 days or 18 years ago. Does this mean that Cain was lying about his forgetfulness? I don't think so. I think he really has a bad memory. How can we expect him to remember something like sexual harassment, when the guy can't even remember what Libya is?

The children of America are probably disappointed about his dropping out because they must have been looking forward to easy civics and history questions had Cain been elected. For example, they might have been asked on future tests:

Which of the following Presidents made his fortune in the pizza business?

A. Herman Cain

B. George Washington

C. Both of the above

What well known person is famous for saying to a female colleague that she was the same height as his wife?

A. Herman Cain

B. Mahatma Gandhi

Frankly, I was hoping that Cain was going to deny everything the way Clinton did. I was looking forward to him staring directly into the camera and saying, "I did not have inappropriate sexual behavior with all of those women who have accused me, and I definitely didn't do anything wrong with those women that nobody knows about yet."

We have to remember that American politics isn't just watched by Americans. It's watched by people all over the world. So in a situation like this, we often ask, "What does the rest of the world think of us? What does the rest of the world think of our candidates?" Well, rumor has it that when a noted German politician was asked if she thought Herman Cain would make a good President, she replied, "Nein, Nein, Nein."

Circumcision: The Outlaw Cut?

When Shakespeare spoke of Brutus betraying Julius Caesar, it was such an awful act that Shakespeare broke the rules of grammar when he said, "This was the most unkindest cut of all." Today, there are people who are so upset about something that they might refer to it as, "the most unkindest cut of all." These are the people who feel that circumcision should be banned.

Evidently, there are enough of these anti-circumcision folks to get an initiative on the San Francisco ballot for this November. If passed, this initiative would make it a crime for anyone to perform a circumcision on boys under the age of 18. The position of this group is that circumcision is "mutilation," and since genital mutilation of girls is forbidden, it should also be forbidden for boys. I guess this is based on the obvious medical fact that male and female bodies are identical. We've all been at the beach and heard the lifeguard yell, "Hey, this isn't a topless beach. Cover up those breasts, guys."

The other reason that they are against circumcision, especially on babies, is that they feel that the child getting the circumcision is too young to consent to it. I guess they think that since we didn't agree to it as babies, we should all be walking around with our umbilical cords dangling down.

The anti-circumcisioners refer to people who are uncircumcised as "intact." In fact, their movement is called, "Intact America." (Apparently, they don't care about people in the rest of the world living un-intact lives). Obviously, they believe that those Americans who are "intact" are more fortunate than those who are not. What about babies whose lives were saved by doctors performing surgery on them to remove lethal things from their little bodies? Should their parents have spurned the surgery in the hope that their kids could brag to everyone that they are still "intact?" I guess it would be silly of me to suggest that maybe these people are also against haircuts.

Russell Crowe, the well-known actor and I guess, part–time medical ethicist, has weighed in on this debate. He has said that he believes that God made all babies perfect and that circumcision is "barbaric and stupid." At least he's willing to debate the issue intelligently.

I've never been someone who has railed against the "Nanny State." In fact, I have always liked nannies. You'll never hear me saying anything against "Mary Poppins" or "The Sound of Music" or "The Naughty Nanny And The Pizza Delivery Guy." But having a law that tells people what they should do with their babies' private parts is just going too far. Leave it up to the parents. If anything should be a personal decision for a mother and father to make, it's this. In the past, we've heard people decry that the government should stay out of our bedrooms. I'm saying that the government should stay out of our underpants.

While doing research for this column, I learned that circumcision is the most frequently performed surgery in the United States. Living in Los Angeles, I thought Number One was the breast implant. I understand that just because it's so popular doesn't mean it's the right choice. That would be like saying since "America's Biggest Loser" is popular, it contributes the most to our culture.

Anyway, there are people on both sides of the argument who claim that their way is healthier. The Centers of Disease Control and Prevention feel that circumcision contributes to healthier men and that uncircumcised men are much more susceptible to all kinds of medical problems. On the other hand, Intact America can point to its experts who say the opposite. That's why this shouldn't be a law, but should be an informed choice that parents make. And those parents should be informed that the World Health Organization is for circumcision, and Russell Crowe is against it. See? It's not such an easy decision.