Is Shorter Better?

The "New York Times" broke the huge news story recently that deluxe hotels are now offering half hour massages and other spa services that are traditionally an hour or an hour and a half. The significance of this is that the new "quick spa" might appeal to people who just don't have as much extra money lying around as they used to, and at the same time the hotels will get some money instead of just having those spas being expensive, empty rooms that smell like Ben Gay.

So, for the hotels, some money is better than no money at all, and for the customers, a little bit of luxury is better than no luxury at all. I'm not exactly sure how they do the half massage. Perhaps all they do is massage your left side, and the next time you come to the hotel, you can get your right side massaged.

I won't be surprised if other services in fancy hotels follow suit. If golf has become too expensive for some guests, for half the usual fee they'll be able play 4½ holes. You know that room with two queen beds that you get sometimes when you're traveling alone? Now that extra bed could have another guest in it who's also traveling alone. You'd better grab the TV remote right when you walk into the room. If you're staying on the 20th floor of a hotel, for half the usual tip, the bellman will bring your bags up to the 10th floor. If you want to stay in a bed and breakfast, you get a choice: bed or breakfast.

Hotels aren't the only service industry. The airlines have cut back on all kinds of services, but they've never been too proud to make further cuts. I'm a little bit worried that in the spirit of "half-off," if a flight is going from Los Angeles to New York, they might make you parachute out of the plane when you're over Depew, Oklahoma.

Personal grooming is a service that many of us use. I don't think that half of a manicure or pedicure would be that terrible, but I'm not looking forward to seeing people with half of a haircut. And how weird will it be when some women apply the one-half approach to breast implants?

The prime motive behind this "shorter is better" philosophy might have to do with money, but New York's Four Seasons Spa Director, Natalie Matesic pointed to another reason for this development. She feels in this era of limited attention span, of fast forwarding through movies, of speed dating, it's "only natural" that people would want shorter spa sessions. She said, "You don't have to look any further than electronic media to understand that people spend less time on basic activities like communicating and getting the news. The spa industry is no exception."

It's disturbing that this phenomenon of today's culture in which people can't stay still to do things thoroughly has spilled over to the world of relaxation. They want to have shorter massages, because they're afraid of missing out on something. Their attitude is, "I have to hurry up and relax."

Perhaps they would be able to relax more during the massage if they multitasked while someone works on those knots in their necks. It wouldn't surprise me at all if people were texting at the same time that they're supposed to be having a relaxing massage. Of course, I can't be sure that this kind of multitasking goes on. I only read half the article.

Scraping By On $500,000 A Year

As I'm sure you know, President Obama recently instituted a salary cap of $500,000 per year for CEO's of some companies that will be bailed out by taxpayers. To most of us, "only" half a million dollars a year doesn't sound bad. However, it's a lot less than these CEOs are used to getting, so they can't be pleased. Some of them are bound to write letters explaining their outraged feelings to the President. Letters like this:

Dear President Obama:

It has come to my attention that you have decided to put a salary cap on some of us who will be receiving bailout money because of the current financial crisis. I applaud your effort to try to help the American economy, but I must object to this cap business. To cut my salary – and the salary of others in my position – down to $5,000,000 is absurd. We need a salary commensurate with ... wait a minute. My assistant just told me that I misread the figure and the limit is not $5,000,000, but $500,000. $500,000 a year? You must be joking.

$500,000 a year? Isn't that about how much teachers and firefighters make? And do they really contribute more to society than us fat cat bankers?

Something that people who are not in the financial world don't understand is that those of us who have an impact on the economy, need to be happy in order to do our best work. What makes us happy? Things. Things like private jets, boats, offices with Picassos on the wall, and a very modest private island in the South Pacific. $500,000 a year won't even pay the insurance for these things.

I have a lot of expenses that the general public doesn't know about. I set my wife up in a cute little store that loses about $60,000 every month. I don't just need to belong to one country club; I need to belong to a country club near each of my five homes. Front row seats are not cheap for basketball games, the opera, and ultimate fighting. If I don't sit in the front, I just don't enjoy the experience. Once I sat in the third row for a playoff game. I was so bummed out that the next day my bank lost $200,000,000.

Just between us guys, do you have any idea how expensive a mistress is? There are gifts, rent for her apartment, and singing lessons. I also have a private detective watching her because I think she might be cheating on me, and he's not cheap.

With all due respect, Mr. President, this plan, which would force CEOs to buy our suits off the rack, will be disastrous for our country. You talk about creating more jobs, but this will force many people out of work. With a salary of -- it's hard for me to even say it -- only $500,000 a year -- -- I won't be able to pay my chauffeur, the crew on my boat, and the woman who creates my personal aftershave. And am I supposed to toss out on the street the guy who takes care of my koi pond, my two year old's French tutor, and my chocolatier? God, I just love those confections.

I'm convinced that after you have read my letter, you will see the folly of your decision. Don't feel bad. Almost everybody makes mistakes. And isn't part of the "new politics" your being able to admit when you've been wrong? So, I thank you for your time.

If you're ever in New York, Beverly Hills, Deer Valley, Martha's Vineyard, or Liechtenstein, feel free to drop in on me.

Yours truly,

James "Trey" Harrington III

CEO Midwest Bank Trust and Mortgage

Well, I have to admit that Mr. Harrington does raise at least one good point: CEOs like him ran our economy into the ground when they had enormous salaries and perks. Just think how much worse they'll do if they're in a bad mood.