Ow, My Aching ... Everything

I thought it was a joke when I heard that an airplane seat manufacturer was trying to sell airlines seats that are more uncomfortable than the ones we're used to. But it's not a joke. Avointeriors is the Italian manufacturer that has come up with seats that would put passengers in a half-sitting, half-standing posture. The seat would actually be a saddle, and the posture of the passenger would allow more of these seats to be squeezed onto a plane than the usual coach seats. There would be approximately seven inches less legroom. That's just the kind of thing that air travel needs now. When people get off a plane after a trip, don't they all say, "The flight was okay, but I just wish there had been less room?"

Traveling by air is no longer a fun experience for most people. The airports are crowded, security lines are long and slow, and you're not even allowed to take a container of yogurt on the plane with you. A nice recent feature is that you have to pay extra to take a second suitcase. And you must've noticed that many flight attendants act as if they would rather be someplace else today, and who could blame them? With pay and benefit cuts, flying's no fun for them either. We don't get meals served to us anymore. Flights are often late, and bags are lost sometimes – even that bag that cost you extra. With all of this going on, someone thinks people will want to have a less pleasant flying experience?!

I couldn't even imagine that anything could be done to cut back on more costs to the airline and add to more discomfort for the passengers. When they toss a bag of pretzels at you and call it a "snack," how much lower can they go? The answer seems to be these new seats, and I guess our future complaint after flying will be saddle sores.

The idea is that airlines could jam more of these new seats onto a plane, and then charge people less for sitting/standing. A new class would be formed that would be cheaper than Economy. They haven't come up with a name for this class, but "Inhumane" would be a good possibility. The seat manufacturer feels that there are people who would be willing to use these seats for a short flight if it cost them less than usual.

He may be right. The Irish bargain airline, Ryanair, is trying to get the okay on having "standing room" on flights. They conducted a poll last year, and almost half of its customers said they would be glad to stand for a one-hour flight if it meant they could fly for less.

But don't expect these seats to be the last of cost-cutting measures by the airlines. I wouldn't be surprised if they started charging us for going into that tiny room with a metal toilet that they have the nerve to call a "lavatory."

There's no reason why the overhead bin has to be free. Who wouldn't pay a dollar or two to put their computer up there instead of having it on the floor where it gets stepped on every time the guy next to you gets up?

They could easily start renting those airline magazines to us. That way, we'd actually have to pay to look at ads for an automatic pasta maker or a canine genealogy kit.

Let's say you're not happy sitting next to that guy who snort-laughs at every stupid joke in the movie. For a few bucks more, they'll move you next to someone who just reads quietly for the whole trip. Similarly, if you don't want to sit next to someone who keeps talking about his fascinating hobby of making rubber band balls, you'll have to pay to sit next to someone who can give you stock tips.

Some of these things might sound ridiculous, but whoever would have thought that airlines would be charging extra for a soggy sandwich or earphones for the movie? What's next, are they going to start allowing you to use your bonus miles only at times that you'd never fly? Oh, that's right. They're already doing that.

Air Travel, Gone To The Dogs

It had to happen. In the last several years, Americans have spent more and more money on luxuries – for pets. We've seen the arrival of gourmet foods for pets, hotels for pets, and even bikinis for pets. So I shouldn't have been s0urprised the other day when I learned that there is now an airline for pets. That's right, all of Pet Airways' passengers are animals – and not the kind that sit next to you and snore or spill their drinks on you. I'm talking about the kind that you feed and take for walks.

I don't blame anyone for not wanting to put their pets in a crate that goes with cargo or luggage. I wouldn't want our dog to travel like that. But somehow, we've all gotten along for many years without asking our pets if they want a window or an aisle seat.

Americans will spend an estimated $45.4 billion on their pets this year. That's more than the gross domestic product of all but 64 countries in the world. That's more than we spend on movies, video games, and music combined. I don't think we're going to hear about the pet industry asking for a bailout.

Of course, in these tough economic times, there are people who can't afford to have pets. But there are still others who will pay over $900 for their dogs to have testicular implants so they can still look "macho" after they've been neutered.

We spend more than twice as much on our pets as we did a decade ago. There are probably all kinds of reasons why this is so. More people work at home, so maybe they want the company of a pet. Maybe more single people have decided they don't need to be alone. And maybe as our world gets more mechanized, there's a desire to have something that's actually alive – something that you don't have to plug in 0or reboot.

For whatever reason, pets have increasingly become part of the family. More than half of all dog owners say they consider their pet's comfort when they buy a car. (I wonder what percentage considers their in-laws' comfort when they buy a car). People buy clothing for their pets, celebrate their birthdays, and put braces on their teeth. That's a bit over the top, don't you think? Sure, I leave the TV on for our dog, but I can't help it if he likes sports.

Having your pet fly as a passenger on Pet Airways isn't any more expensive than putting him or her on a regular airline. It falls into the coddling "let's have him be more comfortable category" like the car a pet owner might buy. The seats have been removed from the plane's cabin, and pets travel in air-conditioned comfort in their own private kennel crates. A veterinary technician checks on them throughout the flight. When the plane lands on an in-between location, a flight attendant takes them for a walk, looking for the most convenient patch of grass. For their in-flight entertainment, they probably get to watch something like "Milo and Otis" or "Old Yeller." It all sounds pretty good, doesn't it?

But I worry about what problems might develop, and I wonder if the owners of Pet Airways have thought this whole thing through. Of course, there is no first class and coach distinction on these flights. But how long will it take for some ritzy pet owners to request that their fancy cats or dogs fly up front, away from those that came from the pound?

I'm also concerned about the possibility of "ethnic profiling." With concerns about security so high, will an American spaniel or an Irish setter be waved right onto the plane, while people in uniform stop and search a Russian wolfhound or an Afghan? And you know they're going to be suspicious of a cat who happens to be a Persian.

There are bound to be some civil rights, anti-discrimination lawsuits brought against this pets-only airline. They'll be brought by people who want to get on that plane along with the pets. Here's why: the passengers travel comfortably, there's no line for the bathroom, and every 15 minutes, the airline's president walks down the aisle with kind words and snacks. When was the last time you were treated like that on a regular airline?