How Do You Think Obama's Doing So Far?

In the midst of all the euphoria and hope coming from the inauguration of Barack Obama, I feel it's my duty to remind you that not everyone feels the "Obama high." There are those who believe that Obama has already demonstrated that he is not a good President. Some of these people are just Democrat-haters. They are among those who, using some kind of new logic, blamed Bill Clinton for the 9/11 tragedy and felt that George W. Bush, who had been President for almost a year and ignored all the warnings, bore none of the responsibility for it. Then there are those who just feel Obama is an example of "too good to be true." And finally, there are those who enjoy puncturing balloons of hope. So, there were people who felt that Obama has been doing a poor job "from Day One."

You might have viewed the inauguration as an inspiring event. But this is how "they" probably viewed it:

At the swearing-in ceremony, Chief Justice Roberts made a mistake and made Obama stumble a bit. Roberts was obviously too busy to have rehearsed this oath, but shouldn't Obama have been smoother? If Obama can't even handle an oath, how is he going to handle the problems of a nation in trouble?

And speaking of trouble, Obama had promised to tackle our economic problems immediately. Yet on the day of the inauguration, the stock market went down 332 points. Nice work, Mr. President.

Over and over again over the past few months, he promised millions of new jobs. But while he was wearing his fancy tux, many people were still out of work.

And what about Iraq? Did the war come to an end right when he said the words, "So help me, God?" It did not. And now it is "Obama's war." How he ends it will determine how he will be remembered by historians. If we play our cards right, nobody will remember who started this war or why.

The fawning press is sickening. Why did nobody in the media have the courage to say, "That's an ugly dress?"

How bad was that inaugural poem? It didn't even rhyme.

And Aretha Franklin's hat looked like something Dick Cheney tried to shoot.

We've been told over and over again that Barack Obama and his wife Michelle care deeply about family and family values. Oh, really? Exactly how late did they allow their daughters to stay up after the inauguration? And it was a school night.

And then we come to broken promises. For months, Obama went out of his way to tell the public that there was one issue of the utmost importance that he would deal with. He committed himself to this issue above all others. This was, of course, the promise of acquiring a new puppy for his daughters. Where was the puppy on "Day One?" I didn't see a puppy up there with Obama and friends, did you?

Our new President told us that the selection of the alleged puppy is not easy because it is necessary for the Obama family to choose a dog which is as hypoallergenic as possible. At last report, the appointment of First Dog was said to be narrowed down to a Portuguese Water Dog and a Labradoodle. While either would be precedent breaking, neither seems like an appropriate choice for the White House.

The Portuguese Water Dog is, obviously, Portuguese. Wouldn't that be a slap in the snout to all of the perfectly good American breeds? The Labradoodle isn't even a recognized breed of dog. It's a combination of a Labrador Retriever and a Poodle (and we know what country Poodles are from). The Labradoodle supposedly has the best characteristics of each – in other words, it is a genetically engineered dog. Have the American people really finished their debate on mad scientists fooling around with genes?

So, is there a President who has ever had a worse Day One than Barack Obama? You tell me.

That's how they may view him. Personally, I say give the guy a chance. Then you can blame him for 9/11, bad gas mileage, and that cold you have that doesn't seem to be going away.

How Do You Want To Be Remembered?

A while back, somebody quite wise – I think it was my rabbi – suggested that people should write their own obituaries. Now. Regardless of age or medical condition. That way, you'll think about how you want to be remembered and what you want to accomplish in the rest of your life. More recently, a friend suggested that we all write our own obituaries to make sure that we like them. The idea was, why shouldn't we decide what aspects of our lives should be in the obit instead of some writer who never met us? Nobody wants to be remembered as a person who fell asleep in meetings, was a bad parallel parker, or used the phrase, "between you and I."

So with both approaches in mind, my obituary follows:

Lloyd Garver died last night after having sex. He was 133. He didn't look a day over 120. Mr. Garver was best known for being the only person to win the Pulitzer Prize for Literature, the Nobel Peace Prize, and the California lottery all in the same year.

Before turning his attention to other literary pursuits, Mr. Garver wrote television comedies for over 30 years. He was responsible for such famous lines as, "And those were just the girls," "You never told me that before we were married," and "Who could be at the door at this time of night?"

Thanks to Mr. Garver's mediation efforts, there has been peace in the Mideast for many, many years. Now, Muslims, Jews, and Christians live happily side-by-side and share many a fine meal. When asked how he brought about peace, he replied, "I just kept telling the same story over and over again until the warring factions would agree to anything to get me to stop talking."

Although a private citizen, Garver helped draft some of the most important legislation in this country's history. He was behind the Higher Taxes For Rich People Act, he helped institute life without parole for people who talk behind you in the movie theater, and limited to three the number of "Law & Order" versions that can be on TV at the same time.

Despite the magnitude of these accomplishments, Garver was proudest of his family. He and his wife recently celebrated 110 years of marital bliss - – the Uranium Anniversary. She said that he was "a giver. He always displayed, flexibility, tolerance, and patience -- even when I told long, rambling stories."

He was both loved and respected by his children. They were very patient with him whenever he had a computer problem. They always laughed at his jokes, came to him with their problems, and he was never a source of embarrassment to them – even when he whistled or sang in public.

He was quite wealthy, but saw his many friends as the source of his true wealth, not all that cash that was in the shoebox in his closet.

When he won the California Lottery in 2060, he received 300 billion dollars. At that time, the lottery took in about 16 trillion a year, with $600 of that going to the public schools. Mr. Garver did not spend his huge winnings on himself – except for buying two new cotton sweaters. He gave the money away to those who needed it the most. In 2062, he was named, "Most Philanthropic Person In The World." He even gave that trophy away.

But he always insisted that he wasn't a saint (at least not yet). He was far from perfect. Perhaps his greatest fault – if you don't count that he was a picky eater – was that he was too modest, too humble. I guess he was just never comfortable talking about himself.