Do A Push-Up, Go To Jail

After reading this, you should never step out of the shower, look at yourself in the mirror, and be disappointed by what you see. If somebody teases you about not being in great physical shape, I've got something you can tell them. And the next time you're with someone whose eyes drift over to look at a person with a "perfect" body, you can just smile about what you know and what they don't. Researchers at the University of Arkansas have determined that those people with the best bodies aren't necessarily the best people.

This study that appears in The Social Science Journal, found that most people who entered prison were physically, even athletically, fit. Between 62 and 73% of the prison population was made up of hard-body athletic types. And those who were physically fit were the most likely to be imprisoned for violent crimes.

So, if you are bemoaning that the person you are with doesn't look like a swimsuit model, cut it out. At least he or she isn't as likely to knock over a bank as that neighbor of yours who works out every day and only eats low-fat yogurt.

I understand that the study only involves 5000 Arkansas inmates, so it would be unwise for scientists to generalize from this. That's one of the beauties of not being a scientist -- I can generalize if I want to.

The results of this study should be taught in every school in the land. We've been told over and over again how dangerous it is for people -- especially children -- to try to model themselves after the few individuals who have almost perfect bodies. Now, because of this study, kids and grownups don't have to see those with centerfold physiques as role models. They can view them as people who might be more likely to mug a 90-year-old World War II veteran than those of us who are a little too thin or a little too heavy.

I've always been suspicious of people who have really good bodies. Anyone who devotes that much time to looking good isn't spending enough time doing other things. If some other researchers did another survey, don't you think they'd find that those who have "six-pack" abs don't do as much volunteer work as those of us with "no-packs?" How many valedictorians are at their ideal weight? Can you name one Nobel Prize winner who was also known for having perfect calves? I rest my case.

This study is a triumph for every person who doesn't have a gym membership, for anyone who ever took an extra piece of cake instead of an extra lap around the track, and for all the men and women whose exercise bikes long ago became a convenient place to hang their clothes. This study isn't only saying that the rest of us are as good as those who have muscles in places where we just have places. It's saying that we might be better than they are -- or at least less violent.

Instead of going for the chiseled or the silicone look, maybe this will encourage men and women to start choosing a mate or a date with bony knees or a double chin. Perhaps employers will start recruiting people whose waists enter the room before their faces. In fact, I'm really looking forward to the headline someday that will proclaim the large number of people who are suing companies for not hiring them because they're too good looking.

Obviously, more research is necessary. (And if I know our government, it will probably be spending billions on it before you can say, "bridge to nowhere"). We have to find out if there is a causal relationship between the number of situps people can do and whether or not they end up wearing a number. Or is it just a coincidence that those with hard muscles are the ones doing hard time? After all, there is another explanation for all this: maybe those who are out of shape are just too lazy to get out there and commit crimes.

What About Bill?

We've heard a lot of pleas of sympathy for Hillary Clinton ever since she conceded that she didn't win the Democratic nomination. We were told that it was going to be necessary for there to be some time for "the healing process." "Newsweek" even suggested that candidates who lose Presidential elections generally suffer from a kind of post-traumatic stress disorder. If this is true, I have the utmost confidence that Hillary will triumph over these difficulties. She has certainly demonstrated her strength and resiliency during the campaign. The one I'm worried about is Bill.

More than ever, during the interminable campaign for the nomination, the former President demonstrated his love of the limelight. For several years, he had seemed content to be off the front pages and the evening news. He appeared to be happy doing both philanthropic work and making a fortune giving speeches about being philanthropic. But then he got a taste of it again, and he remembered what he'd been missing all those years. It was publicity, feeling important, and having cute young reporters writing down every word that he said.

If he couldn't be President again because of some silly little Constitutional thing, he'd be the closest thing to it. He could be the First Gentleman. Not only that, but he'd be the first First Gentleman.

However, the more obvious it became that Senator Clinton wasn't going to win, the more desperate Bill became. "Hey,this isn't fair," he probably thought. "I'd make a better First Spouse than Michelle Obama. She doesn't even know how to signal to the Secret Service guys to look the other way." If Bill hadn't acted so unprincipled in those final weeks of the campaign, he would have seemed pathetic. So let's not ask that question about Hillary anymore. Instead, let's ask, "What's Bill going to do now?"

Is he really going to be able to go back to the shadows after people made all this fuss about him again? I don't think so. His kind of "attention deficit disorder" happens when the world gives him a deficit of attention.

It's not out of the question, but I doubt that he'll do the reality show, "At Home With The Crazy Clintons." (Note to the Fox Network: When you steal this idea, I'll sue but I'll settle out of court). I don't see him as an All-Star for the Yankees, and he's not going to run for the mayor of Hope, Arkansas. So what can he do that will satisfy his appetite for approval?

As I was worrying about poor Bill, I happened to hear that former basketball player/bridal gown model Dennis Rodman, and child star/do anything guy, Danny Bonaduce were going to be on a new television show called, "Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Wrestling." I immediately thought this might be just the thing for Bill.

He'd get plenty of attention, he could show off his reduced body, and he'd have fawning female fans. But my insanity was only temporary. Bill Clinton is not Danny Bonaduce – and he can quote me on that. Bill doesn't just want the spotlight. He desperately wants to be remembered respectfully. They might not always act like it, but Presidents apparently care what the history books will say about them.

I gave it some more thought, and then realized that Bill had not made a fool of himself for at least a week. He hasn't tried to upstage anyone lately. And he has stopped saying anything negative about Obama.

This last fact is what made me finally understand what Bill is up to. Why is he behaving himself? Why is he cozying up to Barack Obama? It's simple. Bill has figured out what he'd like to do next: he wants to be Vice President.