Tennis' Dirty Little Secret

There's something rotten going on in the sport of tennis, and nobody seems to want to talk about it. Historically, tennis has presented itself as a dignified game. It's a sport of ladies and gentlemen. Players are called Mr. or Mrs./Miss/Ms. So-and-So. They can be penalized for unsavory behavior. So the foundations of the game itself are rattled whenever there is any kind of scandal in the sport. But that's no reason for all of us to stick our heads in the sand -- or in the reddish clay -- when there is something undeniably going on that warrants exposure. I'm not talking about the current alleged gambling scandal involving some players. I'm talking about something much more serious, something that involves all four of the Grand Slam tournaments. I'm talking about the rain.

Even a casual fan of tennis has to notice that it almost always rains during Wimbledon, as well as the Australian, French, and U.S. Opens. Matches are interrupted, and sometimes entire days are rained out. I had wondered how this rainy weather could so often coincide with the biggest tennis tournaments in the world. And then I went to the French Open at Roland Garros and found out.

As much as the officials and the commentators complain about the rain delays, they are intentional. What am I implying, that those who stage these tournaments want it to rain? Yes, and more than that. I believe that those in charge have found a way to actually make it rain during the championships.

And why, if this were possible would they manipulate the weather so that the games are interrupted by precipitation? They do it so the fans will seek shelter. And where do they seek shelter? In the gift shops.

That's exactly what my wife and I did to get out of the rain when we were at Roland Garros. And we weren't alone. The store was packed, and the cashier lines were long. People were buying all kinds of things with the Roland Garros logo. They were spending their valuable Euros to buy clothes that they would probably wear once, if that. They were purchasing presents for people who would smile and then put the gifts on that high shelf that never gets dusted.

The store was selling things faster than the dollar was dropping. Naturally, they had caps and T-shirts. But they also had beach towels, "players towels," shoes, watches, key rings, head and wrist bands, regular sized tennis balls, huge tennis balls, socks, sweatshirts, and "overgrips," whatever they are. People bought skirts, shorts, and skorts. They also bought tops, pants, and "vibration dampeners" (which apparently are not sex toys).

I'm not a meteorologist. I'm just a guy who wore his Roland Garros cap all morning today. So I don't know how they make it rain, but the facts don't lie. When was the last time there was a major tournament that had sunny weather every single day? If they had a big championship in Death Valley, I guarantee there would somehow be rain before the semi-finals.

I'll leave it to the conspiracy theorists to figure this one out. Perhaps Oliver Stone will make a movie about it. Maybe there's a cloud-seeding rifle on the grassy knoll at each stadium. Maybe they make it rain with the blimp that's always hovering above. Let's face it, that would be a much better use of it than taking pictures of cars arriving and leaving.

However they do it, I can personally testify that it's a big success. They even had little Roland Garros merchandise stores in other parts of Paris. And sure enough, while we were walking near one of those, it started to rain. We went inside, but showed great restraint. We did not buy the little bottle of red clay dirt that was selling for 15 Euros. That's right. They actually sell dirt. What kind of suckers do they think we are? Of course, if it had only been 10 Euros...

The United States and France: Vive la Difference?

It wasn't that long ago that the relationship between France and the United States was, to say the least, a bit chilly. This was the era of "Freedom Fries" and calls to boycott anything that was French. For many Americans, the enemy was the rhyming two-headed monster of Chirac and Iraq. Now the two countries are friends again. Times have changed. France has a president with an extremely low popularity rating, they have huge economic problems, and... no wonder we're getting along so well.

I went out on the not particularly mean streets of Paris and the Dordogne area to ask the French people some questions. I thought my survey might help us better understand the French and learn what the French people think of us. Interestingly, I found no difference in the opinions of those who live in rural France and those who live in Paris.

My first question was: Who do you think will be the next president of the United States: Hillary Clinton? Barack Obama? Or John McCain?

Only 7% thought that John McCain will be our next president. Hillary Clinton was second with 38%, and Barack Obama was the "winner" with 54%. Because of this outcome, I assume that Hillary Clinton will vow to continue to campaign until I question every person in France.

I should point out that before our last presidential election, according to my French survey at the time, almost no one in France predicted that George Bush would win a second term.

Next question: Despite the unpopularity of both countries' current presidents within their own country, 100 percent of those surveyed felt that the president of France was a better president than President Bush. In sports parlance, they'd "rather have their bum than our bum."

When asked if they thought the war in Iraq would be over soon, about 11%, said, "oui." In some ways, the French are more optimistic than we are.

When I asked, "Who's your favorite American actor " every person gave me a different answer. Some of them were: Dustin Hoffman, Tom Hanks, Bruce Willis, Denzel Washington, Clint Eastwood, Samuel Jackson, Brad Pitt, Edward Norton, and Tyrone Power. Tyrone Power? I guess France really is an old-fashioned country.

I asked, "Which of the following foods do you prefer to eat: pizza, hamburger, or foie gras?" Nobody chose pizza, and while 80% preferred foie gras, perhaps the 20% who like hamburgers indicates a bond they have with Americans. Or it just shows that even in France, there are people who don't know good food when they eat it.

100% of the people interviewed said they would like to visit the United States someday. Let's just hope it's not all on the same day, or we'll really have an immigration nightmare.

When asked what is there about France that is better than the United States, the answers included food, history, and a slower –- and therefore, better -- pace of life. When asked what the United States has that they wished they had, answers included a positive frame of mind, more possibilities of advancing at work, and cheaper gasoline. That's right. Even if you adjust for the euro/dollar difference, gasoline is much more expensive in France. So we have that to look forward to.

The French are notorious cigarette smokers. However, a law was recently passed that prohibits smoking in restaurants and cafes. When asked if they were happy about the new law, 100% said they were. This even included people who were smoking while they answered my questions.

I got some interesting answers when I asked which country they thought was the strongest country in the world today. Nobody chose the United States or France. Understandably, China was one of the answers. However, so was Norway. Norway?! And no, this wasn't from the guy whose favorite actor is Tyrone Power.

I asked which government they thought was more dishonest, that of the United States or that of France. By only one vote, the United States edged out France. It's nice to be No. 1 in something, isn't it?

The preceding is by no means a scientific survey. Because of my selection methods and the fact that I asked the questions in French -- my French -- the margin of error might very well be in the neighborhood of 90 to 100 percent. But in France, that's still a charming neighborhood.