Royalty In The U.S.?

One thing our Founding Fathers were sure of is that they didn't want a king in this new country. They didn't want one person to be regarded as something so special that people would have to bow down to him and treat him almost like a god. Well, I wonder how the founding fathers would feel right now as there is a campaign throughout the country regarding someone known as King James. In case you're one of those people I don't understand who's not a sports fan, this young man's name is actually LeBron James, he's a great basketball player, and his contract is up. As James decides where he'll play basketball next, ordinary citizens and government officials are treating him like, well, a king.

James is a fantastic player, he's charismatic, and would bring baskets full of cash to whatever city lands him. He wears Number 23 on his jersey, but in the free-agent market, he is Number One. He's only 25 years old, so he probably has many years of basketball left. If you have teenage kids that you'd like to pursue a higher education, don't let them hear LeBron's story. He never went to college, and his next contract will probably be in the hundreds of millions of dollars. That's nine-figures! The downside, of course, is that he has missed out on cramming for organic chemistry and analyzing "The Scarlet Letter."

Yet, some people think he's a bargain. His being on a team guarantees more people in the seats, and his being in a city means more visitors, more full hotels and restaurants, and more forged autographs being sold on the street. That's why so many people are kissing this king's ring, or something else of his.

For the past seven years, he's played in the not so flashy city of Cleveland. Now, flashier places like New York, Chicago, and Los Angeles are trying to lure him away from that city on Lake Erie. James is from Akron, Ohio, just a few of his giant steps from Cleveland. This is one of the reasons that he just might stay and play in Cleveland. One Clevelander has started a website called pleasedontleave23.com. There's also a 212 member LeBron James Grandmother's Fan Club. The Cleveland Orchestra has made a video praising LeBron, as has Ohio's Governor Ted Strickland.

Chicago Bulls fans have a website called, "sendLeBrontochicago.com." David Geffen, media mogul, music producer, and all around rich guy has said that if he can buy 51% of the Los Angeles Clippers, he "guarantees" that he can get LeBron to join that hapless team. And then there's New York.

New York City has a campaign called "C'mon LeBron" that includes T-shirts, billboards, and messages on taxis begging James to come to New York. New York's Mayor Bloomberg actually made a video trying to get LeBron to take a bite of the Big Apple. Fortunately, it's not a music video, but it's still unseemly and embarrassing. Some might even think it's blasphemous (a word that I don't think I've ever used in a column before). At the end of the video, the mayor says, "As the Good Book says, lead us to the promised land." And then with a wink and bad comic timing he adds, "And that's a quote from the King James version."

I know what it is to be a sports fanatic. I admit that I have watched the exact same Sports Center show more than once in a four-hour period. But this goes way beyond the usual abnormal behavior of sports fans. I understand that it's about money and civic pride, but how much pride can a place have if it's willing to do anything to get a 25 year old kid to play a game in their city?

In case you don't think it's more than a bit weird that James has gotten all this attention, there's more: President Obama has weighed in on the subject. First he said that it would be great if James played in Obama's hometown of Chicago. Then I guess his advisers or pollsters told him that statement was a mistake, so Obama said it would be nice if James stayed in Cleveland.

That's right. The President of the United States actually gave his opinion on this issue of vital interest. Who's next? The Dalai Lama? Could be. "Come on, LeBron, play in Tibet. We won't just give you money. If you sign for five years with an option for six plus revenue sharing for public appearances, I'll throw in the secret of life."

Metrosexual, Schmetrosexual

The line between what is male and what is female continues to blur. Stereotypes are dropping every day. A doctor is not automatically a man; a nurse is not automatically a woman. A pilot can be a female; a flight attendant can be a male. A jerk can be a man or a woman. Someone buying makeup is not necessarily a woman. Today there is even a category of men called, "metrosexual." No, that doesn't mean people who like to have sex on the subway. It refers to men who pay attention to their appearance in a way that stereotypically used to be considered strictly female. The latest woman-man crossover is the girdle for men. It was bound to happen, wasn't it?

Some call this men's girdle a "mirdle." It's not exactly a girdle because of where it's worn. However, it has the same "compression technology" that has been used for some women's undergarments. (An example of this technology in female underwear is actually called the "bra-llelujah)." The most popular of these new male mentionables is a T-shirt/undershirt that emphasizes a man's muscles and minimizes his fat. To me, it just looks like a fifty-dollar undershirt.

For decades, women have campaigned to be entitled to whatever men have. Now it's the male gender's turn to feel entitled to something that has often been the province of women – spending money to move fat around their bodies. (I never really understood the physics of this. If fat is squeezed in one area of the body, doesn't it just pop up somewhere else)?

So in addition to all of the male cosmetics that have become big sellers in recent years, now we have the male slimming garment. I'm sure soon there will be men wearing "mantyhose." There are already underpants for men that have padding in them to give the illusion of having a bigger butt. (Why would ... who knows)? In this era of the sexual equality of spandex, both women and men can satisfy their obsession with making some body parts look smaller and other parts bigger.

But why now? What is it about this era, this zeitgeist that's making men grab $58 slimming T-shirts off the racks faster than they can sing, "I Feel Pretty?" We are in a recession. Money is supposed to be tight, not underwear.

I assume those buying these garments rationalize it. Maybe they'd say it's cheaper than plastic surgery – as if accepting how you look isn't even an alternative. Maybe they're hunting for a job, want to look their best, and feel this new kind of underwear will help them get hired. Okay, but I just can't picture a guy going for a job interview without that butt padding and then after he leaves, those who do the hiring talking about him like this: "He was very qualified, his references were good, and he really seemed to have a handle on what we do here. Obviously, we can't hire him. His butt's too small."

It's possible that all this male over-primping might actually be costing guys jobs. Say a man has a job interview in the morning. He gets up and weighs himself. Then he takes a shower using lavender soap. He washes his hair with a volumizing shampoo followed by an almond conditioner. He dries himself off and looks in one of his way-too-many mirrors. He applies a male cover-up to a blemish. He shaves very carefully, making sure that his shave doesn't make him look as if he's shaved. (Could someone please explain this fashion to me)? Next, he puts on his new slimming and muscle-popping undershirt. He slips on his underpants with the butt pads. He finishes getting dressed and checks himself out in yet another mirror. He looks great. Everything's perfect. So why won't he get the job? By the time he finishes primping and getting dressed, he's two hours late for the interview.