The Queen And I

President and Michelle Obama recently visited the Queen of England in Buckingham Palace. Although the event obviously took place in England, for me it was yet another "only in America" event. In what other country could Michelle and Barack Obama come from where they were born and raised and end up visiting the Queen? If you used that time machine you have in the garage, and went back a few decades and were driving through the South Side of Chicago or the streets of Honolulu, and you pointed to young Michelle and/or young Barack and you told your passenger, "Some day he (or she) is going to have a private audience with Queen Elizabeth," you would have been put away faster than you could say, "totally delusional." But there they were in Buckingham palace.

We Americans probably have even more affection for the institution of the British monarchy than the Brits themselves. We wouldn't want to have a king or queen, but we think it's great that they do. We love the tradition, the pomp, even the absurdity of it. Most of us will never get to meet the Queen, so we can only enjoy a visit with Her Majesty vicariously, as with the President's recent visit.

I know I did. I couldn't help thinking what it would be like for me to be in Buckingham Palace shaking hands with the Queen and Prince Phillip. President and Michelle Obama are far more sophisticated than I am, but there had to be at least a moment of, "Can you believe we're actually going to visit the Queen?" Which, if they're like most couples, was probably followed up by, "Yes, but what I can't believe is that you're wearing that tie to Buckingham Palace."

I can imagine my wife giving me last-minute advice in the car: "Now, not everyone in the world cares about basketball. Don't ask the Queen if she had a good bracket for the Final Four."

When we pulled up to the Palace, I'd be struck by a moment of panic when I'd turn to my wife and ask, "Are you sure this is the right night? Check the invitation. What if we messed up and it's next week?"

Once actually in the Queen's presence, I don't think I'd be able to resist asking her what we'd all like to ask her: "What's up with the purse? You carry it wherever you go, and you clutch onto it for dear life. You've got a zillion guards. Who do you think is going to steal your purse?"

And if there were a lull in the conversation -– because I wasn't bringing up basketball – it's just possible I'd say, "So, Your Majesty, it doesn't look like the recession has hurt you at all. Just look at this place, Your Majesty. Your job is pretty secure, isn't it?"

Sticking with tradition, the Obamas and the Royal Couple exchanged gifts. If you ask me, there's a good chance that both couples will be "re-gifting" these items around Christmastime. President and Mrs. Obama gave the Queen an iPod and a book of songs signed by Richard Rodgers. I would've gone for something more personal – a bottle of wine from our basement, maybe flowers from our garden, possibly some home-baked mandel bread. The Queen gave the Obamas a silver framed portrait of her and her husband. In my fantasy, I have enough self control to wait until I get back to the car before asking the question, "Who gives a picture of themselves as a gift?"

Knowing me, sometime during the visit, I'd probably try to show off my knowledge of the British language. As I ignore my wife's dirty looks, I'd say something like, "I was really brassed off by all the traffic on the way here from our flat. The Bobbies stopped all the lorries because some bloke nicked someone's breakfast bangers. Which way to the bloomin' loo?"

I guess what this all means is that President and Michelle Obama suggest that everyone in America can grow up and meet the Queen. I, on the other hand, suggest, "not everyone."

"The Colbert Report" Report

NASA, the often maligned, sometimes forgotten space agency has a galaxy-sized headache. To try to get more people interested in space exploration, NASA sponsored an online contest in which people could vote on a name for a new room to be added to the International Space Station. The choices on the ballot were Serenity, Legacy, Earthrise, and Venture. However, the winner was "Colbert," named for Stephen Colbert, host of Comedy Central's, "The Colbert Report." He asked his viewers to vote for him, and they did. Now what does NASA do? Do they overrule the 115,000 people who voted for "Colbert" or stick with the popular choice and become the laughingstock of the already giggly world of astrophysics?

Can you name any of the astronauts who are up in the International Space Station? I couldn't either until I did some research for this column. Things have certainly changed in the half-century since the heyday of the original seven Mercury astronauts. Back then, "everybody" not only knew the astronauts' names, they knew what their favorite foods were. These days, we’ve become awfully blasé about the space program. Do teachers have their students watch every space launch on the school's TV set? I don't think so. And I assume that enthusiasm for spending money on space exploration went down as unemployment rates and AIG bonuses went up. So right when NASA comes up with a nice gimmick to get people involved in the space program again, they get out-gimmicked by, well, a goofball.

Colbert tried to get people to vote for him for President – as many comedians have in the past – and that fizzled. But for some reason, this caught on. Since NASA is an agency of the federal government, there was, naturally, a "weaseling out clause" in the contest. They reserve the right to overrule the popular vote if they want to. Kind of reminds you of the 2000 Presidential Election, doesn't it?

So far, NASA is being mum on whether they will go with "Colbert" or one of the more reasonable, and boring, names. John Yembrick, a NASA spokesman, says they'll make a decision sometime in April. My advice to Yembrick: go with the joke.

I guarantee if "Colbert" wins, Colbert will spend even more time publicizing NASA and space exploration on television. More people will get interested, and that was the original idea of the contest. And it usually doesn't hurt if a governmental agency demonstrates a sense of humor.

I know the dangers of going along with this joke. It's a very slippery slope. Other TV shows will probably want to get their names in space. Some agent's bound to think that "Dancing with The Stars" is a natural. Other shows are going to want to have their names up there, too. Will the next space shuttle be called, "Late Show With David Letterman?" Will the next galaxy astronomers discover be called, "America's Biggest Loser?"

When it comes to naming things and publicity, money always seems to enter the picture. Therefore, I have to admit that I worry a little that the heavens might suffer the same fate as that of so many sports venues. If there can be a "Petco Park," a "U.S. Cellular Field," and a "Staples Center," isn't it just possible that astronomers might change the planets' names, too? And if so, are we really going to be happy when our children's children learn that "Alpo" is the fourth planet from the sun, and the one with the two big moons is called, "Hooters?"

Despite these caveats, I still think NASA should go along with the popular vote. They should be able to draw the line and avoid catastrophic commercial consequences. And if they are worried about making the seemingly smug Stephen Colbert even smugger, the joke might actually be on him. One of the functions of this soon-to-be-named part of the space station will be to house a machine that turns astronauts' urine into drinking water. Would you really like to have that room named after you?