Corrected "shorts" 7/31/08

Believe it or not, there have been other things going on in the news lately besides Barack Obama's decision to wear or not to wear a flag lapel pin and whether John McCain will confuse Iran and Iraq once again. Here are a few of the stories that you may have missed:

A federal appeals court on Monday threw out a $550,000 indecency fine against CBS for the 2004 Super Bowl halftime show that ended with Janet Jackson's breast-baring "wardrobe malfunction." As you certainly recall, Janet's nipple was exposed for nine-sixteenths of a second, causing millions of people to claim they were shocked and the FCC to fine CBS for the incident. Now that the court has declared that the exposure was not worthy of the fine, look for another lawsuit. I predict that Janet Jackson will be outraged that exposing her breast is not considered obscene and not worth a $550,000 fine.

Activists in Spain are pursuing giving great apes like gorillas and chimpanzees certain rights -- such as the right to life, freedom from arbitrary captivity and protection from torture. In other words, they want to give these apes some rights that the United States won't guarantee to humans.

Passengers on a Qantas jet en route from London to Melbourne got the shock of their lives the other day. No, the air conditioning on the plane didn't suddenly work properly. A huge hole in the fuselage opened up. Reporters said the hole was the size of a small car. But I doubt that a car sideswiped the plane at 30,000 feet. There were no injuries, and all reports said that the passengers were incredibly calm as the plane rapidly descended to make an emergency landing. Of course, they were calm. They obviously remembered the movie "Rain Man" in which Raymond (Dustin Hoffman) informed us that Qantas was the safest airline in the world. Of course, "Raymond" also told us that K-Mart is the best place to buy underwear.

And speaking of aviation, activist Dan Glass shook British Prime Minister Gordon Brown's hand with his right hand while he placed his left hand – which had been covered with Superglue – onto the Prime Minister's suit sleeve. He said he wanted to make sure that Brown "stuck around" while Glass talked to him about his opposition to expanding London's Heathrow airport. The name of the protest organization involved is "Plane Stupid." I'm not kidding. "Plane Stupid." However, Qantas could possibly learn something from "Plane Stupid" and use Superglue on its planes.

With the Olympics only days away, I'm sure the Chinese are ridding the streets of any possible criminal element. However, there's a good chance that on the last day of competition, there could be hundreds of masked men running through the streets of Beijing. No, they won't be criminals. They'll be marathon runners wearing masks to help them breathe. Some athletes have already dropped out of the Olympics because of the choking smog in Beijing. Others have been issued masks by their teams. This could be the first Olympics that won't just be figuratively, but literally breathtaking.

There was a huge brawl in a minor league baseball game involving the Dayton Dragons and the Peoria Chiefs the other day. Fifteen players and managers were kicked out of the game. Peoria Chiefs pitcher, Julio Castillo is in the most serious trouble. He was jailed for his part in the fight. He threw a baseball and hit a fan. He was aiming for the Dragons' dugout. No wonder he's still in the Minor Leagues.

As always, I guarantee you that next week will be filled with news that is just as silly as this week's.

The Land Of 10,000 Lakes And Even More Guns

I just visited Minnesota, which is not only a beautiful state, but an interesting one. It's the state whose former Governor was a professional wrestler, and whose next Senator might be a former comedian. And they've got a gun law there that is, well, quite astounding. Adults are allowed to carry guns almost anywhere. If a place of business doesn't want people to come in toting their weapons, they have to put up a sign saying they ban guns from the premises. If there are no signs, guns are welcome. The reason I was in Minnesota was to visit my sister-in-law who was in the hospital. Sure enough, on the outside of the hospital, was a sign saying I couldn't bring a gun inside. Good idea. Can you imagine what it would be like if people were allowed to bring guns into a hospital? Think of that unhappy patient: "You call this a good nose job, Doc?" BAM!

Out of curiosity, I emailed the state of Minnesota and asked them if it was legal for me to walk into a bank with a gun. Their response was that it was legal unless that bank had a sign that specifically prohibited people from doing so. A bank! And this was the law!

Of course, there are exceptions to this law. People can't bring their guns to school property, jails, or courthouses. My favorite exception is that people are prohibited from carrying their guns onto a field while hunting big game by archery, except when hunting bear. Trust me, I'm never going to put that exception to the test.

On the other hand, there are some circumstances in which you can carry a gun and don't even need a permit. For example, you can carry a gun to and from work, which I'm sure makes "road rage" a little more exciting for everybody.

The official name of the law is the Minnesota Citizen's Personal Protection Act of 2003. To me, a personal protection act is putting on some deodorant. Obviously, those who passed this law believe that people are safer if more of them carry guns. So everywhere I went, I kept looking around me for people with weapons. I didn't see any. Then my brother explained that this was probably because, although it's not required, people are allowed to carry concealed weapons.

I never understand the idea of concealed weapons for "good guys." If you feel your carrying a gun is a deterrent against a bad guy committing a crime against you, wouldn't you want that bad guy to see your gun? If you're wearing your gun in a holster like old-time cowboys, a mugger will probably move onto somebody else. But if you've got that gun hidden in your pants, how is that going to stop a bad guy from trying to hurt you?

Once I learned about this concealed weapons thing, I was checking out everybody, wondering if they were secretly carrying a gun. "How about those three noisy girls behind me in the movie theater? Were they packing lead?" "What about the busty woman on the other side of the restaurant. Did she have a gun in her bra or was she just glad to see me?" "What about that minister striding towards me? Was he a Gunslinger for God?" It makes for a somewhat uneasy visit.

Yet, some people don't think a Minnesota-type law has gone far enough. The governor of Georgia, Sonny Perdue, wants guns to be allowed at public areas of the Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport. "Sonny" said, "If my wife wanted to carry a gun, if she was going from the parking lot, walking from one of those far parking lots to pick up a grandchild or something like that, I think that's a good idea, yes." Sure, who doesn't think it makes perfect sense to pack heat when picking up your grandchildren?

Has the world gone completely insane? There's a governor who thinks it's okay for people to carry guns at the airport, but we're not allowed to carry a bottle of shampoo onto the plane.