New No-Fly Zone: Everywhere

The good news is that I managed to be on one of the last of the American Airlines MD-80's this past Tuesday right before the airline grounded all those planes. The bad news is that I managed to be on one of the last of the American Airlines MD-80s this past Tuesday right before the airline grounded all those planes. By that, I don't mean to say that I was unlucky because I might have been in some danger. I mean I was unlucky because I was on a plane.

That's a comment on the sorry state of air travel these days: I barely reacted to the fact that the plane might not have been properly wired. My major relief was that I had landed almost on time, that my luggage arrived, and that it will be a while before I have to fly again. I'm not singling out one airline or one type of aircraft. Over the last few years, air travel for most of us has gotten more and more miserable.

That's the real airline mess today. It's not just the American Airlines thing. It's how airlines have deteriorated in recent years. Remember the days when flying was fun? Or reasonably comfortable? Or at least tolerable? Those days are history. They are of a bygone era -- like three dollar-a- gallon gasoline, or nurses' hats.

The airlines put you in a bad mood right when you walk onto the plane. I know I didn't buy a first class ticket. They don't have to rub it in. But they do. They force us to walk through first class before we get to our seats. So we have to see people seated comfortably, having drinks from real glass glasses on our way to the torture chamber known as the "coach cabin." When you check into a hotel, they don't force you to see the penthouse suite with a spectacular view before you go to your little room near the ice machine. If the airlines cared about the feelings of the majority of people who fly, they could let us use one of the other entrances to the plane, or at least board the first class passengers after coach.

The cliché is that they pack us in like sardines on a plane. That's an insult to sardines. A sardine isn't getting elbowed all the way to Cleveland by the fish sitting next to him. The airline seat must have been developed by a descendant of the Marquis de Sade. It's like sitting in a child's car seat -- without little toys to play with.

The air-conditioning on a plane has two settings: Off and Antarctica. And if the plane is delayed taking off or getting to the gate and you're just sitting there, why do they have to turn off the air-conditioning? I guarantee you the air-conditioning is on in the cockpit.

Hardly a day goes by that we don't read about some airline going bankrupt or being forced to lay off more employees. One thing you know for sure, they're not in bad financial shape because of all that they spend on customer service. It's almost impossible to get a real person on an airline's phone, and humans don't show up to help people at the gate until a few minutes before takeoff.

The whole passenger-airline relationship is very unfair. If you're one minute late for your plane, they won't let you on. But the plane can be four hours late, and all you get is a shrug.

"USA Today" reported recently that airlines' performance was near a 20-year low. And that was before this recent mess that stranded or "inconvenienced" an estimate 250,000 passengers – so far. Flights are routinely overbooked, bags are lost, and planes are delayed. And delayed. People now spend so much time in airports that pharmacies and walk-in clinics are opening at airports across the country. The industry probably figures that things would become too crowded if they also opened walk-in law offices.

The one solution I can think of to all of these problems is for Congress to pass a law insisting that all airline CEOs fly on their airline's longest flight in coach class once a week. After a few weeks, they're bound to either make some changes or leave the airline business. I'd be happy to accept either outcome.

Final Final Four Report: What A Game!

Something told them they weren't in Kansas anymore, but the Jayhawks felt right at home at the end of the NCAA basketball Championship Game Monday night. They beat Memphis 75-68 in overtime as Elvis had left the building at the end of regulation. That's when "Super Mario" Chalmers of Kansas tied the game at 63-63. It was like a heavyweight championship fight, with both fighters getting off the canvas over and over again. Memphis was prepared to play two halves of basketball, but Kansas played until the game was over. They call the tournament, "The Big Dance," but there's only room for one team to waltz down victory lane. And that's the last sports cliché I'll use to describe this amazing game. It's just a shame that one team had to lose. Oops! Couldn't resist.

The game was one of the most exciting in NCAA championship history. Two "Number One" teams played fantastic basketball to prove which one of them was really Number One. There's a "rule" among members of the press covering a sporting event which states, "No cheering in the press box." What this means is that writers are supposed to be impartial, professional observers who don't show any emotion during a game. Well, that rule went out the window somewhere in the second half. It was impossible not to be excited by the game. There were six lead changes in the second half alone, and I lost track of how many times the game was tied.

It seemed like the Memphis Tigers were about to defeat the Kansas Jayhawks when Chalmers hit a game-tying three point shot with only 2.1 seconds left in regulation. From then on, through the overtime period, it looked like Memphis was in shock. They never recovered. There was no look of determination on their faces, only one of worry.

Throughout the season, free throws had been a problem for Memphis, and they missed four out of five in the last minute and fifteen seconds. That's the kind of thing that drives coaches – and fans – crazy. But as I said here the other day, the college game is played by kids, and kids make mistakes.

However, those last few minutes shouldn't be the only thing that people remember about how Memphis played. I'll remember the junior guard whose name sounds like a fancy Englishman: Chris Douglas-Roberts. He made shots from seemingly impossible angles, his long arms extending like a real Stretch Armstrong. Freshman guard Derrick Rose was outstanding. If he had had a first half like his second, Memphis would be the champs now instead of Kansas.

Kansas has, perhaps, the most storied tradition of basketball in the country. Its first basketball coach was James Naismith who invented the game of basketball. Some of the original rules seem quaint these days, but the game is slow to change its regulations. In fact, at lunch the other day, I overheard a couple of coaches declaring that it was about time the NCAA got rid of its "antiquated" rule against players chewing tobacco during a game. Yes, that's actually still a rule. Personally, I think it's a good rule and see no reason to get rid of it. Besides, just as a matter of practicality, where are the teams going to find stores that sell spittoons?

Monday night, basketball royalty was not only on the court, but in the stands as well. The legendary Bill Russell was in attendance, and this game was worthy of his presence. Earlier in the day, the Basketball Hall of Fame announced that, among others, Adrian Dantley, Pat Riley, Cathy Rush, Patrick Ewing, and Hakeem Olajuwon will be inducted into the Hall this year. They were all at the game, too. Another inductee is basketball announcer, Dick Vitale, the man who put "hype" in hyperbole. Strangely enough, Vitale got a bigger ovation at the game than any of those players or coaches. And he's an announcer. Just think how wild the crowd would have gone if they had introduced a columnist.