Free Can Be Costly

My old cell phone died recently. We had been so happy together. It was a very simple phone, not like today's "smart phones." All I used it for was to make and receive calls and an occasional text message. It was perfect for me, so I took it with me to the phone store so I could show the salesperson what I wanted. Boy, was I living in a dream world.

I'm not going to say the name of the company. Let's just say, it starts with an "A," and ends with a "T & T." Once inside the store, I had to put my name in a book of people waiting. It was like when you arrive at a crowded restaurant – except in the phone store, the dessert is a two-year contract. Finally, they called my name, and a salesperson greeted me. I showed him my old phone, and he held back a laugh. As he stared at it, I knew he was wondering if it ran on steam power. When I told him that I wanted a phone exactly like that one, he just shook his head. He said the model was no longer made. However, he added that I could get a pretty simple phone for free.

He showed me a phone that was selling for $50.00 with a $50.00 rebate. In other words, it was a free phone. It sounded great to me, except the phone didn't look anything like my old phone. For one thing, there were no buttons to push. How was I supposed to call anyone? He explained that it had a "touch screen." When he turned it on, it looked like a small computer screen.

I told him I wasn't used to a touch screen, and he said that it was time for me to join the 21st Century. I don't know why, it seems like most of my best times were spent in the 20th. But the more I thought about it, the more I thought it might be fun to have one of these new devices. Besides, there was always that free price tag.

He walked me back to the cash register. I was confused. I thought the thing was free. He reiterated that it was, but I would probably want some kind of case "to protect my investment." (What investment? It's supposed to be free). He showed me a case that he said was almost indestructible. He also thought it would be a good idea for me to have a cable to connect the phone to my computer so I could back up all my contacts in case I broke the phone. "I thought you said that case was indestructible," I reminded him. "I said it was 'almost indestructible.' But you also could lose the phone, or someone could steal it. If you have everything backed up on your computer, you'll have less to worry about."

"Less to worry about?" I never worried about any of this stuff before I had a cell phone. And I didn't have a case or cable for my old cell. But since I was joining this century, I said, "Okay." Then there was another surprise: the sales tax on the phone. I couldn't understand why I would have to pay tax on something that costs nothing, and he explained that it was the law. In fact, I didn't just have to pay tax on the phone as if it cost me $50.00, I had to pay tax on the phone as if I had paid the regular retail price. So, including accessories and tax, the total for my new phone was $75. That's how much a free phone costs.

When I got home, I struggled with the phone and eventually figured out how to dial and receive calls. I didn't learn how to check the stock market, how to watch an episode of "Yesterday's Stars Who Have Lost A Lot Of Weight," or how to make my ring tone sound like a chicken squawking. Not only was I uninterested in all the fancy features, but I figured that by the time I learned them, I'd need another new phone. With any luck, by then, I'll be able to get a free phone for only a couple of hundred dollars.

When Breastfeeding's Not Okay

Ohio police recently stopped a woman who was using her hand-held cell phone while driving. That's illegal in Ohio, but that wasn't the only reason they stopped her. She was not only driving and talking on her phone, she was breastfeeding her baby at the same time. The woman was outraged that she was stopped, and said that she did not want to let her baby go hungry. So it was concern for her child that made her endanger the kid? The baby was not strapped safely into a car seat while being nursed by the cell phone-using/car-driving mommy. All she had to do was put up with the baby's crying for a moment or two, pull over, and feed the kid. Up until now, I've never been a big fan of "three strikes" laws. However, driving, phoning, and nursing at the same time are three strikes that deserve punishment. Imagine if Octo-Mom Nadya Suleman were driving while talking on the phone to Dr. Phil and nursing all eight of her babies at the same time. Yikes!

Where I live, using a hand-held cell phone while driving was banned beginning on January 1st of this year. So my family bought hands-free equipment shortly before that. We weren't alone, so I thought I'd never see another driver trying to balance his steering wheel and cell phone while cutting me off with a left turn. Boy, was I wrong.

Not a day goes by that I don't see people driving and talking on their cell phones as if the new law had never been enacted. I called the local police departments to see what we ordinary citizens are supposed to do when we see this activity. If we are pedestrians, should we run up to the car in the intersection and make a citizen's arrest? Are we supposed to honk or yell at the driver? Should we take down the license plate number and call the police?

Answer: None of the above. The police explained that a police officer must see the person committing this offense in order to cite him. They won't just take our word for it. Why not? Can't they just give us a lie detector test so they'll know we're telling the truth about the woman in that black SUV we see every day as she drives her kids to school and talks on the phone to set up a lunch date?

One member of the police department, Sergeant Horn, said that the good news is that according to police statistics, fewer people are using their handheld phones while they drive than before the ban. His feeling is that those who are ignoring the new law and not getting caught while driving and talking will eventually be spotted by a cop. I'm not sure if this feeling is based on statistics or his views about karma.

It's very frustrating to keep seeing people drive dangerously while they talk on the phone and not be able to do anything about it. Sure, we've all seen drivers do other dangerous activities like putting on make-up, eating, reading, kissing, and doing the crossword puzzle. What is so disturbing about the Ohio mom is that she took it to a whole new level by combining cell phone use with doing something else that she shouldn't be doing while driving.

It probably shouldn't shock me. This is the era of multitasking, and I should get used to it. But things are so different now. For generations, we heard about people who had sex in their cars. But those cars were parked! I remember "Benjamin" – the Dustin Hoffman character –in "The Graduate" enjoying the fact that "Elaine" was conceived in "an old Ford." If they ever shoot a remake of that movie, they could probably say that Elaine was conceived in a Ford cruising down the highway at 70 MPH while both parents were talking on their cell phones – and maybe doing their taxes, too.