It's A Phone, Too

There is a new word that has entered our vocabulary in the past couple of years. It's "apps." (This should not be confused with the word, "naps," which I find much more useful). In case you've been doing things other than playing with your smart phone – like working or enjoying your family – an app is an application that you can add to your fancy phone. It might be a game or it could be something that's useful like telling you what the traffic is like on the highway that you're already driving on. I guess the creation of these apps has come about because, let's face it, people don't spend enough time on their cell phones.

Some of the apps mentioned in a "New York Times" article include: "Google" which allows you to use your phone to, well, Google. "Angry Birds" is a game that involves birds, a catapult, and green pigs, obviously something that Alexander Graham Bell had in mind. Several of the apps are used to synchronize your home computer with your iPhone in case you can't wait to get home to open that file you created three years ago that you never open. I'm not sure why anyone would want "Glympse," which is an app that allows your friends to track your location -- perfect for stalkers.

Those apps are just the tip of the tip of the tip of the iceberg. There are something like 200,000 apps for the latest iPhone, and new ones are being developed almost every minute. Make that 200,001. Those who use apps have a huge appetite for them. In an earlier time, people bragged about their children, their new car, or maybe an expensive vacation they just took. Now people brag about their phones. Young men often have a phone-app measuring contest.

So I thought of some more apps that people might enjoy while they're wasting time. With "High School Revenge," the phone automatically calls all the people who were mean to you in high school. Then your recorded voice says, "I turned out richer and happier than you did."

With "Dangerous Food?" you point your phone at an item on the menu, it scans it, and then answers the question, "Will this give me gas?"

"Who Are You Kidding?" uses the phone as a lie detector. It picks up the pulse and the sweat rate of the person you suspect might not be telling you the truth. This one works especially well with teenagers and spouses.

"Handshake" is for germophobes. It determines if the person you're meeting has washed his or her hands in the past five minutes so you'll know if it's okay to shake hands.

With "The Shakes," a person in a restaurant can point his or her phone at the coffee pot the waiter's holding and it will do a quick chemical analysis. Then the phone might angrily declare, "This isn't decaf!"

"Hard To Tell" uses the latest 3-D technology to answer the question about the woman you're looking at, "Are those real?"

"Hotel Room" is one that will save you a trip to a room that you might not end up taking. When you're at the front desk checking in, all you do is point your very smart phone at the room number that they're trying to give you.The phone will scan it, and then tell you if the room is okay or if it's too close to the elevator, has that disinfectant smell, or is next door to people who like to sing their college songs all night.

"Too Young?" is an app that is perfect for a recently divorced man. He points the phone at his date and snaps a photo. Then the phone will tell him if he's making a fool of himself with a woman who's far too young for him.

I don't begrudge people having fun with their phones. They spent their hard-earned money on them, so why shouldn't they enjoy them? I might be an apps lover if I weren't too dumb to work a smart phone. I just wish the app users wouldn't talk so much about how great their apps are, especially when you're in an elevator, or at a restaurant, or in bed. Maybe that's the app which is really needed: An app that tells you when you're talking about your apps too much.

Is Shorter Better?

The "New York Times" broke the huge news story recently that deluxe hotels are now offering half hour massages and other spa services that are traditionally an hour or an hour and a half. The significance of this is that the new "quick spa" might appeal to people who just don't have as much extra money lying around as they used to, and at the same time the hotels will get some money instead of just having those spas being expensive, empty rooms that smell like Ben Gay.

So, for the hotels, some money is better than no money at all, and for the customers, a little bit of luxury is better than no luxury at all. I'm not exactly sure how they do the half massage. Perhaps all they do is massage your left side, and the next time you come to the hotel, you can get your right side massaged.

I won't be surprised if other services in fancy hotels follow suit. If golf has become too expensive for some guests, for half the usual fee they'll be able play 4½ holes. You know that room with two queen beds that you get sometimes when you're traveling alone? Now that extra bed could have another guest in it who's also traveling alone. You'd better grab the TV remote right when you walk into the room. If you're staying on the 20th floor of a hotel, for half the usual tip, the bellman will bring your bags up to the 10th floor. If you want to stay in a bed and breakfast, you get a choice: bed or breakfast.

Hotels aren't the only service industry. The airlines have cut back on all kinds of services, but they've never been too proud to make further cuts. I'm a little bit worried that in the spirit of "half-off," if a flight is going from Los Angeles to New York, they might make you parachute out of the plane when you're over Depew, Oklahoma.

Personal grooming is a service that many of us use. I don't think that half of a manicure or pedicure would be that terrible, but I'm not looking forward to seeing people with half of a haircut. And how weird will it be when some women apply the one-half approach to breast implants?

The prime motive behind this "shorter is better" philosophy might have to do with money, but New York's Four Seasons Spa Director, Natalie Matesic pointed to another reason for this development. She feels in this era of limited attention span, of fast forwarding through movies, of speed dating, it's "only natural" that people would want shorter spa sessions. She said, "You don't have to look any further than electronic media to understand that people spend less time on basic activities like communicating and getting the news. The spa industry is no exception."

It's disturbing that this phenomenon of today's culture in which people can't stay still to do things thoroughly has spilled over to the world of relaxation. They want to have shorter massages, because they're afraid of missing out on something. Their attitude is, "I have to hurry up and relax."

Perhaps they would be able to relax more during the massage if they multitasked while someone works on those knots in their necks. It wouldn't surprise me at all if people were texting at the same time that they're supposed to be having a relaxing massage. Of course, I can't be sure that this kind of multitasking goes on. I only read half the article.